i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My penis needs a shock collar
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
