I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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