Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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