I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have already put on my inside pants.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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