Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
