I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My liver just had a heart attack.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
