I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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