My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
