Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
