You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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