There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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