Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
