I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
