I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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