so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
