we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i dont even know how to be here
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
