can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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