i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
