remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't deserve a penis
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
