I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
