when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
