Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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