John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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