I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
