I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
