Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
