i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
