My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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