This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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