i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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