I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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