I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I wear drunk well.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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