Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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