My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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