Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
