New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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