the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
