Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
A bitchslap is in order.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
