pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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