My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
