I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
