soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
How's work?
Spinning.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
