If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
