We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
