Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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