Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
