I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's never too late to be topless.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
