Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
