I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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