I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
